He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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