I faked an abortion last night.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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