im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
