can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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