It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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