Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
