I think I died a long time ago.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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