I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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