that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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