Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
