My room smells like vodka and shame
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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