I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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