I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
