Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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