I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
