Michael Bay diarrhea
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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