dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
