Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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