good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
