Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
In other news, I just burned my penis
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize