I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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