I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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