I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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