i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
