She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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