I wish my penis had an off switch
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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