I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize