dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
