I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
