took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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