Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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