Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
She announced her abortion via fbk
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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