If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
