Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
