Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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