Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
