Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
