youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
