she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
