Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
