i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
