i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
