theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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