It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
