i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
