He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
