paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
