I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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