Im at strip club and am horny
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize