hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
