And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
