I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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