you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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