My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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