i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
