I bet he comes in French.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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