i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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