Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
