i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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