Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
