My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize