i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
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