literally had 100 drinks last night.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Sober January is a disaster.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
