My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
