I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize