This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
