I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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