nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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