oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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