Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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