Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
