I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
