Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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