don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize